Selamat Datang

Hello

Just a short blog all the way from Pulua Pinang, Malaysia. I'm here on a family holiday, having a nice time but like all family holidays it's a little boring as we're staying with relatives and none of cousins are my age and we don't go out to places where I can meet new people to hang out with but at least I'm having nice time plus I'm feeling really relaxed. I like to escape the harsh realities of home by travelling overseas. Planning on doing some serious shopping once I get back from KL and Malacca as my parents are scared of the giant supersize shopping centres here; unlike China I haven't even spent any of my money, I haven't even converted my AUD or gone to an ATM... yet but I will because they have Top Shop here *love love*

Well I should get off as I've been sitting in this Internet cafe for nearly an hour and a half.

Listening to: Bloodshot - Jack's Mannequin

sweet dreams are made of this

This entry as inspired by Monster Girl's most recent entry.

When I grow up I will live in a giant loft or studio in NYC or maybe in a quaint flat in London or I may stay in Australia and live in an upmarket apartment in Melbourne. The place will have ceiling to floor glass windows and a small balcony, just large enough to hold a table and two chairs. In the summer a single pot will sit upon the table were a lone sunflower will grow.

In the mornings I'll sit on the kitchen bench smoking a dirty cigarette and a steaming cup of coffee sits beside me. My lover will live with me and I will cook him breakfast, maybe a cheesy omelette or some french toast and we'll discuss our plans for the day and global news.

During the day I will catch up friends, we'll run down dingy alleyways and find sanctuary in hidden cafes and eateries to escape the rain and blistering cold or heat. We'll spend hours there just eating, drinking and talking. Eating delicious food like sweet potato salad made from mesculin leaves with cubes of sweet potato, feta and pieces of walnut and sun dried tomato with a little balsamic vinaigrette dressing over it. Or I'll go there by myself and drink copious amounts of cocoa when cold and iced tea when hot and I'll read the paper or journals or search the web for blogs, and I will write occasionally emptying my head of all its thoughts or just sit there and people watch.

I'll be paid to photograph and sometimes string words together. I'll get calls from big house fashion magazines to organise a shoot for an upcoming issue. I'll spend hours trawling through vintage stores, charity stores, department stores and big name fashion labels, finding uniquie pieces that catch my eye. I'll dress the models myself and play music during the shoots and let the models dance to the music to catch the rawness of the moment. I won't tell them to pose, pout and stare I will let them move their bodies how they want.

Then at night my friends will congregate at my place and we'll decide what we want to do, whether to sit at home and eat take out and watch our favourite movies, or go out and find a bar to sit at and relax, possibly even listen to some tunes. Or we might go eat out and drink a bottle of vino or two. I will go to bed to cuddle with my lover and he'll tell me he loves me and kiss me on the forehead and I will fall asleep deliriously happy counting down till I wake to live the next day.

But then I realised that that is all in my head, just some ridiculous dream of a perfect life that I want in a world where I dictate my fate and future. The chances of my life being like that are so slim, I have no talent in writing or photography and I am far from creative, I am just merely a dreamer. I've forced myself to be realistic and have decided that a future career as a political economist wouldn't be so bad, I do enjoy politics and economics; but then dreamer me gets in the way I dream that I will be a famous respected political economist where I will write text books, and the occasional piece for The Wall Street Journal or New York Times or The Economist and travel the world doing guest lectures. If only being a dreamer was a paying occupation. Because all these thoughts are just dreams, rather silly dreams at that.

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Now playing: Keane - Playing Along
via FoxyTunes

In a Language You Can't Read

Sometimes I feel like a no one, lost in the sea of faces and names, that I am just another insignificant being that will eventually fade away into nothing and no one will remember me. I'm probably being overly melodramatic and in one of my melancholy moods. Though I suppose we all at times feel invisible to our loved ones and people in general. That they cannot see us breaking and drowning in our problems; have we created a selfish society or one that is too scared to reach out and help because we're scared of the backlash.

Sometimes I feel like jumping on a plane and disappearing for a while, a selfish mind game, just to see who would notice that I'm missing. Just to feel the reassurance that I'm loved and that I am a somebody. I suppose I've gotten so lost in my world that I just need a helping hand to lead me towards the correct path.

I'm annoyed with my university because I have to defer an exam, I have been approved but have to apply for exceptional circumstances because I can't sit it during the designation period. But then the email goes on to say I must talk to my course convenor bout arranging a time to take my exam, then that my deferred exam will be arranged by the school. Then I email my course convenor who tells me she doesn't deal with it and forwarded it to another lady who tells me she doesn't deal with it and I have to apply to the Dean and write a letter to some other lady. Fucking shit cunts, all I want to do is sit my exam a week early is that so hard to ask for.

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Now playing: Conor Oberst - Lenders in the Temple
via FoxyTunes

Body Cracked Like Porcelain

And it's done, I've completed my mid semester exams and I do what I always do. I build up in my mind that the exams are going to be ridiculously hard, so I stress out hardcore, snapping at everyone and generally not everyones favourite person. Rock up to the exam and read through to find it easy, I always do that. Or I do the opposite come in thinking I'm prepared, start the exam and find I'm up shit creek and well generally fuck up like I did with 2 of my Japanese exams this semester.

Why can't my stupid brain stress like a normal person instead of these fluctuations, it's just like year 12 all over again. I put myself under all this pressure then I explode and end up in a puddle of depression. I'm sick of my mind and all it's defects. Give me a new one free from defects. I'm sick of the moods and all the misconceptions people have about mental health problems. My inability to let go and just cry and deal with my emotions. I'm so emotionally crippled.

I don't know how I'm going to survive another 2 years of university with a full timetable doing 5 subjects a semester. I think the only way I can do it is to extend my degree by a year or I'll just become an unpleasant stress head 24/7. I've got 2 papers to write, a folio to do and do my photos for the Canon 5 Competition, why do I do this to myself. Right now I just feel like closing my eyes, going to sleep and waking up to find everything is fixed. I should stop listening to the Brand New demo's they just make me want to cry.


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Now playing: Brand New - Untitled 02
via FoxyTunes

Where Are You Now?

Have you ever felt like you are loosing your mind? As if you are no longer the person you knew, that you feel like a total stranger. That is what I've been feeling for most of this year but particularly over the past few months. I look in the mirror and I see a person I do not recognise, I feel as if I have become a mere shadow of myself, that pieces of me are slowing disappearing with the breeze and I hate this feeling. I can't think at all, it is as if someone how stolen my mind and just left the shell of it.

Nothing feels right this year. I have barely taken any photos this year. I used to always be attached to my damn camera, you couldn't tear me away from it. I would come home from a night out with pictures galore but this year has produced nothing, nothing! I even bought a new dSLR to give me some inspiration but no I have yet to seriously use the camera. I have concepts and ideas floating in my head but I lack the motivation to shoot them. I look at my camera and always say another day.

The words that would so effortlessly flow now I escape in a stutter. Everything I love is now like another book on the shelf, that just sits there gathering a thick layer of dust. I'm over this feeling, I just want out of this self destructive spiral. I want my mind back or maybe my mind is just past it used by date and can no longer produce those eloquent words that I used to fall in love with.

Is this the beginning of the end or is it the start of something new?


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Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - Pity And Fear
via FoxyTunes

This Is The Start Of ...

To people reading this welcome to my new blog. I have moved my blog from myspace to here because I wanted to create something new and make it more of my own.

For any new readers out there just some quick facts about me. I'm a university/college student whatever you want to call it. I am young and arrogant with too many opinions on everything and anything. Living in Australia in the trashtastic city of the Gold Coast. I have a few loves in my life and that being music, photography, politics and philosophy, which my blogs will be centered around though mainly philosophy and politics. Although with the occasional blog where I act like an overdramatic youth. I day dream far too much and get lost in my head often, analysing the actions of others and how certain habits attribute to who they are. My day dreaming and opinions will get me into trouble one day.

I will post a proper entry sometime next week.



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Now playing: Anthony Green - Dear Child (I've Been Trying to Reach You)
via FoxyTunes